SGHOM
19-11-2006, 09:01 PM
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk
on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and
brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
********************************
One morning while she was making breakfast, the local fitness
freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear
if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdles." This was a bit
over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife! with a pinch on the breast.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That
was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the ****.
Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in ear, "You know dear if
you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool
man and your brother."
***********************************
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces
to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of
course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why
don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
************************************
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind
if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue
twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous
blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of
saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd
like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbel! ievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my
wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,
'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'
***************************************
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one
night, having beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces
and says: In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to
drink from the same one twice." The Aussie, obviously impressed by this ,
drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and
shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so
much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the
same glass twice either. The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his
beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun,
shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we
have so many ****ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink
with the same ones twice.
****************************************
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the
same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment,
they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the
lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm
sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in
his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing
blanket."
****************************************
on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and
brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
********************************
One morning while she was making breakfast, the local fitness
freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear
if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdles." This was a bit
over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife! with a pinch on the breast.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That
was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the ****.
Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in ear, "You know dear if
you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool
man and your brother."
***********************************
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces
to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of
course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why
don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
************************************
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind
if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue
twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous
blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of
saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd
like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbel! ievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my
wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,
'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'
***************************************
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one
night, having beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces
and says: In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to
drink from the same one twice." The Aussie, obviously impressed by this ,
drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and
shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so
much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the
same glass twice either. The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his
beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun,
shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we
have so many ****ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink
with the same ones twice.
****************************************
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the
same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment,
they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the
lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm
sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in
his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing
blanket."
****************************************