Bad Joke Thread

[WildCards]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of his, mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."

[WildCards]

A man walks in to a doctors. 'doctor I have an embarrassing problem', the dr tells him to show the problem. The patiant bends over and reveals an arsehole the size of a football.

'Jesus Christ what the hell happened to your asshole' said the dr.

The patient replies, 'I was out on safari and I got raped by a bull elephant', stunned and quizzed the dr replies, 'that's aweful but I thought bull elephants has long and thin penises', the patient replies; ' it fingered me first

[WildCards]

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

[WildCards]

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesawus!

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lickolotopuss!

what do you call a gay dinosaur?
A megasorearse

[WildCards]

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?

[WildCards]

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

[WildCards]

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"See you next month!"

[WildCards]

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his cd's?

In a rack.

[WildCards]

A man walks into a bar with a huge grin on his face and orders a whisky.
The barman asks, what are you so pleased about?
Ive just had my first blowjob, replies the man.
Was it good? Asks the barman.
It was great, I just need to get the taste out of my mouth!!!!

[WildCards]

A tin of food jumps out in front of a train.
The police contact the wife to tell her the bad news and she replies "I dont understand, he was full of beans this morning

[Alex]

Two parrots on a perch.

One turns to the other and says do you smell fish?

[Alex]

Two nuns in a bath.
One says to the other "Where's the soap?"
The other replies, "Yes it does doesn't it".

[Lillywotsername]

Two nuns in a bath.
One says to the other "Where's the soap?"
The other relies, "Yes it does doesn't it".
????? Sorry don't get that one.

[Paul Beazer]

change "where" for "wear"

[Kieran]

Two nuns in a bath.
One says to the other "Where's the soap?"
The other relies, "Yes it does doesn't it".

Even when you tell it my dear, I have the same problem I have when it gets told at work...

I get the joke, but

IT ISN'T FUNNY

[Lillywotsername]

Thats why I thought I didn't get it..... Sorry Alex

/ grovels at feet begging forgiveness.:iloveyou:

[psbarham]

whats yellow and dangerous ?

shark infested custard .


whats green hairy and goes up and down ?

a goosberry in a lift.


whats green and turns red at the flick of a switch ?

kermit in a liquidizer.


what do you call a gorrilla with a machine gun ?

sir .


what do you call a deaf gorrilla with a machine gun?

anything you want , he can't hear you .

[I-S]

What's big, hairy and flies to america at twice the speed of sound?
King Kongcorde.

Three vampires walk into a pub. First one asks for a pint of blood. Barman says that they don't sell blood, so the vampire has a pint of bitter instead. Second vampire asks for a pint of blood, but the barman repeats that they don't sell blood, so he too has a pint of bitter instead. Third vampire asks for a pint of blood, and the barman again says that they don't sell it, so the vampire asks for a pint of water, and goes and sits with the other two vampires. They ask why he didn't get a beer, whereupon he pulls out a tampon and asks whether they've heard of teabags.

Two cows in a field. One says moo. The other says you bastard, I was going to say that.

[Spirit]

A tramp walks into a pub and asks for a cocktail stick, so the barman lets him have one.

A few minutes later another tramp goes in the pub and asks for a cocktail stick, so again the barman lets him have one.

A few more minutes pass and a third tramp goes into the pub, and yet again asks for a cocktail stick. The barman asks why he needs it but the tramp says he is in a rush and begs for the cocktail stick, so the barman kindly obliges.

Yet a few more minutes later yet another tramp goes into the pub, but this time asks for a straw.

The barman says he can have a straw but must explain why three other tramps have already been in asking for cocktail sticks, and why he now wants a straw.

"Well", he says, "Someone has been sick outside but now all the lumps have gone" !

[Alex]

Even when you tell it my dear, I have the same problem I have when it gets told at work...

I get the joke, but

IT ISN'T FUNNY


My mistake, I thought this thread was entitled BAD JOKE thread!!! /pan

[Kenneth]

My mistake, I thought this thread was entitled BAD JOKE thread!!! /pan

Quite right there Alex! :2thumbsup well done on some truly bad jokes... /haz

[H6NRH]

Yeah, bad joke thread and there are some extremely bad jokes

[ciderisgr8]

Whats pink and fluffy ?

Pink fluff

Whats blue and fluffy ?

Pink fluff holding its breath

A sandwhich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager. The barman says to him " Sorry, we dont serve food in here "

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman says "Are you a piece of string?" at which the piece of string replys " Yes, whys that ?" The barman says " sorry we dont serve pieces of string in here, youll have to leave!". So the piece of string walks outside and then ruffles his hair. He walks back in the bar and orders a pint of bitter. The barman says "Arent you a piece of string ?" The piece of string replies "Frayed not!"

Two nuns are going for a bike ride down a cobbled street. One nun turns to the other and says " Ive never come this way before !"

[Brunty]

Q. Why are Pirates, Pirates?












A. 'cos they aarrRRRR!

:2thumbsup - my favourite joke.

[Earl]

what's invisible and smells like carrots?





























bunny farts.

[I-S]

What's orange and spherical?
An orange.

What's blue and square?
An orange bluffing.

What's orange and spherical?
An orange double bluffing.

What's blue and square? (ad nauseam)

[SGHOM]

A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home from a social engagement, when the boy came into

the house with a big smile on his face.

Hi,Mum! Hi,Dad! he said breathlessly.

"Guess what!I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"



His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him".

Then she left the room.

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by

buying you that ten-speed bike, you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy.

"I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore".

[Polabear]

????? Sorry don't get that one.

/duh /haz

[TAR]

Whats pink, wrinkled and hanges out your underwear?





















Your mother

[TAR]

and a few more bad jokes which for some reason still make you laugh....

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Damn!

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?
An amish drive-by shooting

How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

/help

[WildCards]

A Swedish man walks into a pharmacy, and asks for a Deoderant. The cashier says, "Aerosol or ball?" and the man says, "Acshually - it is for my armpits."



A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms. The cashier says "will I put it on your bill?" The duck replies "Of Course not! I'll suffocate!"



Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?" Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"
"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.
"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help., "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French." Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"

[WildCards]

A bear and a rabbit were having a st in the woods, when it started to rain. The bear turns around and asks the rabbit:
"Say, Mr Rabbit, does st stick to your fur?"
The Rabbit was very proud of his plush white hairy bits, so naturally he replied: "Why, Mr Bear, of course not."
So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his arse with it

[WildCards]

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.

The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

[WildCards]

There was a bar man who owned a duck who danced on a tin box. He sold it to another bar man who phoned him later asking how to make him stop. He replied "Open the tin and blow out the candles!"

[Atik]

A nun went to the doctor cos she was feeling sick. He told her she was pregnant. She was totally dumbfounded due to the severe shock at this news. The next day she stormed into the monastery where the monks lived and shouted “Right, which one of you dirty bas***ds has been w*nking over the candles?”

[Adie]

I had a terrible dream last night so bad, in fact i woke up screaming.
Dreamt I had a boil on the end on my knob. I was no ordinary boil it was Suzan Boyle!

[kiteman]

An elderly gent went everywhere with his jack russell dog, but could'nt get served in any of the local pubs cause they did'nt allow dogs in.
So one day he got an idea and bought a white cane and sunglasses.
As he entered the pub the landlord said, sorry sir, no dogs allowed, to which the old guy said, thats me guide dog.
Thats not a guide dog said the landlord, guide dogs are usually labradors or alsations, and the old said why what did they give me.

[maori_by_nature]

Whats big and yellow and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?





A bull dozer.....

[djb160]

Whats brown and sticky


































A stick

[djb160]

How do you get Pekachu on a bus?



























Pokemon.

[Humpty's Revenge]

A donkey & a chicken are out in a field when the donkey falls down a hole.
The chicken races over & jumps into the farmers BMW, ties a rope to the front & pulls him out.
Next week they`re out in the fields again & the chicken falls down a hole.
He tells the donkey to run & get the BMW but instead the donkey walks over to the hole, drops his cock in & the chicken climbs out.
The moral of the story:-
When you are hung like a donkey you don`t need a BMW to pull a chick!

[Humpty's Revenge]

Man said to his wife I had to show the grey hair on my chest to get my pension.
Wife said you should have shown your cock we could have got disability allowance.

[dave-at-home]

How do you turn a dish washer into a snow plough??? Give her a shovel!

[Humpty's Revenge]

Great news! I have finally found a prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously I can`t afford her but I thought it might be a cheap night out for you!

[Humpty's Revenge]

A simple man was sitting at the bar, chuckling in to his pint of beer.
Eventually the barman was so curious he went & asked what was so funny?
It`s my wife laughed the man.
She`s gone to Spain for a holiday, but she really is so thick.
I watched her pack her suitcase & put 5 packs of condom`s in & she does`nt even have a penis!

[Atik]

The Pope and the Cleric

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Cleric to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Cleric spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Cleric sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Cleric looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Cleric pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Cleric pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Cleric was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only ONE GOD!!! "Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that GOD was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that GOD was also right here with us. "I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that GOD absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. "He beat me at every move and I could not continue!!!"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Cleric how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the Moulana said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.”Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!" "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the Cleric. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine. And then he walked away!"

[ANTHONY]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'



The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'.



The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.


I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.


Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.'



And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?

[kiteman]

Anthony, thats funny.

[Humpty's Revenge]

A French man, English man & a Pakistani get to the top of the Eifel tower.

They find an American throwing money of the top.

They ask him what are you doing?

The American replies, "Well we have loads of money in our country so why not"!

Then the French man throws loads of wine & champagne over the top.

They ask why are you doing that?

He replied "Well we have loads of it in our country so why not"!

The Pakistani looks at the English man & said "DON`T YOU DARE"!!!

[mesobitchy]

Is it to early to make Hatie jokes? or should we let the "dust" settle first?

[WildCards]

Go for it, laughter is the best medicine IMO

[WildCards]

Two castaways are starving on a desert island. Suddenly a native runs up and drops some hard Italian cheese in front of them. He runs away again and they see that he has scampered up a tree and is throwing down even more hard Italian cheese.

'I thought that was a coconut tree?' said one castaway.

The other one looked at the tree thoughtfully and then said, 'No, it's a palm he's on'.

[WildCards]

I have just heard that the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd
President of the United States by naming the gap between the tectonic
plates beneath Haiti after him.

The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault"

[WildCards]

Three couples are on the first night of their respective honeymoon. The guys agree in the bar that they'll signal the number of times they do it by the number of slices of toast they order.

The next morning, they meet up for breakfast.

The first guy says to the waiter "Can I have two slices of toast, please?".

The second guy has a big grin on his face and says "Can I have four slices of toast, please!"

The third guy has an even bigger grin and says "Can I have six slices of toast please!"

"Oh, and make two of them brown".

[WildCards]

One day, a long time ago, in a land far,far away there lived a woman who did not nag, winge or moan... But it was just for one day, and a fking long time ago!

[KiwiTT]

Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Lord (Mandy) Mandelson are sitting in a pub. A bloke walks in and asks the landlord, 'Isn't that Brown and Mandy sitting over there?'

The Landlord says, Yes, that's them.

So the bloke walks over and says, What are you two doing in here, shouldnt you be in London fixing the economy

Brown says, No, We're doing a much more important job, were planning World War III.'

The bloke says, Really? What's going to happen?

Mandy says, Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The bloke exclaimed, A blonde with big tits?


Why kill a blonde with big tits?

Mandy turns to Brown and says, See, I told you, no one will give a **** about the 140 million Muslims.

[WildCards]

Paddy & Mick worked together in St. John's, Newfoundland and were both laid off.

So off they went to the unemployment office together.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs".

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, and gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitter's are skilled labour".

What skill? Yelled Paddy." I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says:

"Yep, diesel fitter .........."

[WildCards]

Just bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands. Well I say bought - actually I pinched it off a fat ginger spastic....

[WildCards]

Three bodies turn up at a mortuary all with smiles on their faces.

Cop asks the Coroner "Why are they all smiling?"

Coroner says "First guy died of heart attack shaggin his wife, hence the smile. Second guy won the lottery, spent it on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning, hence his smile. Third guy was unusual - Paddy from Belfast, struck by lightning!"

Cop asks "Then why was he smiling?"

Coroner replies "Daft twat, thought he was having his photo taken"

[WildCards]

Two nuns riding down a cobbled street. One said " Ooh - I've never come this way before."

The other says "Yes, it's a bit quicker as it avoids the traffic lights down by the high street."

[WildCards]

A programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I'll ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me £5. Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you £5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £50!" Now, that got the engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question, "what is the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the programmer £5.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands him £50. The engineer politely takes the £50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well? What's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands £5 to the programmer and returns to sleep.

[SGHOM]

Bloody cheapskate tesco /grr

Just been for some ice for my party tomorrow, and all they had was that frozen stuff

[westy]

an irish man, an english man and scotchman walk into a bar. the barman enquires,,,, is this a joke!

[Roberto]

an irish man, an english man and scotchman walk into a bar. the barman enquires,,,, is this a joke!

Irishman replys "Yes, but not a very good one" :coat

[kiteman]

Two blonds hanging around a circus ring hoping to meet the trapeze artist, see a sign at the bottom of the rope ladder which reads "climb the ladder to success"
So they decide to give it a go and up they climb, when they get to the top they're greeted by a guy who says " hi my name is cess"

[HOODY]

How do you make an "apple puff"?

chase it round the garden!

[HOODY]

The other day I was out in my legnum and decided to stop in a little village, I parked up and got outta my car. I noticed a "goat" was staring at me which was standing outside the pub, strange looking goat i thought. I wondered over to the pub, just outside the pub was a "wishing well" , I wondered how deep the well was so i picked up a little stone and dropped it down the well.
It didnt make a sound.....

that well must be sooooo deep I thought.

so looked for something bigger, i found a plant pot , dropped that down the well...

Not a sound.................

Hmmmm need something bigger...... In the front garden of the pub i spotted a old railway sleeper, so i picked that up and struggled over to the well...

I dropped it into the well, clang, crash, bang, bang, this made a noise all the way down, I was worried it was quite loud , but as I looked around i saw the goat that I noticed earlier running towards me very very very fast, horns pointed down, looked rather angry. It was running straight at me!

right at the last minute i moved to the side and the goat went whizzing past me and fell straight down the well.

All i saw was the little goats bum disapear into the darkness...

phew...

Then a man came out the pub and asked me " have you seen my goat?"

"er er er NO.." I replied.

The man the said " well he couldnt of gone far........... hes tied to a bloody great big railway sleeper".

[WildCards]

What do you call a Mexican who has just had his car stolen?



Carlos

[chrisvr4]

Why do Tescos workers on the tills always ask if u want a bag???

No ill just carry all my shopping on my head! /pan

[ANTHONY]

why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila

[SGHOM]

What do you call a Pakistani who sh@gs sheep ?

Ramalam


What do you call a Pakistani who sh@gs sheep with a bell in his hand?

Ramalam adingdong

[SGHOM]

What do you call an Indian wife beater?


Justchinda gudenpropa

[chrisvr4]

Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do i always get a hardon when i look at myself in the mirror??" wife says "cause even your co*k thinks your a cu*t ! :dizzy2:

[SAVA9E]

2 fish in a tank

one turns to the other and says do you know how to drive this thing.

[maori_by_nature]

2 fish swiming along hit a wall

one turns to the other and says.... dam...

[Johny]

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

[Johny]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the 2nd chicken cross the road?
Same reason as the first one did.

Why did the 3rd chicken cross the road?
It was following the other two.

[chrisvr4]

my husband started a new job this week, comedian in an old folks home, going good so far, tells them jokes they don't understand, but they still piss themselves...

[Atik]

Are your teeth cold?

No. Why?

Well, why are they wearing yellow jackets?

[chrisvr4]

Q. What's blue and yellow and has a tight c*nt attached to it?

A. A Lidl bag

[Pastor of Muppets]

The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What did you do at recess?"

Mary says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.

Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Billy does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

[Pastor of Muppets]

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

[Pastor of Muppets]

The doctor has just told me that my 1 year old son will never be able to father a child, I was devastated.

"How can you tell at such an early age?" I asked.

"He's got Ginger hair." replied the doctor.

[KiwiTT]

What the name is for a cross between a horse and a donkey.




"A honky,"

NZ Herald Reports (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/news/article.cfm?c_id=1501119&objectid=10637573)

[ANTHONY]

what to you say to a man with no arms and no legs when your watch is broken








have you got the time on ya cock

[pedro]

Why are women like parking spaces?
because the good ones are always taken, so occasionally, you just have to stick it in a disabled one instead.


Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field!

Why is Bungee jumping like getting a blowjob off your granny?
It feels great but for christs sake don't look down

[pedro]

Alzheimer's protest march:

What do we want?
we don't know

When do we want it?
want what?

[djb160]

If the house is locked and the wife's yelling at the front door and the dog's barking at the back door. Who do you let in?


- The dog because he'll shut up once he's let in.

[Pastor of Muppets]

Why are women like parking spaces?
because the good ones are always taken, so occasionally, you just have to stick it in a disabled one instead.


Laugh? i think a little pee came out!!

[chrisvr4]

A 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor. He turns up 2 days later with a empty jar, the nurse asks 'why no sperm sample'?..He says: 'sorry..i tried with my right hand and my left..then my wife tried with both hands..then her mouth, 1st with her teeth in, then with them out..then we got ethel from next door to try..but it was no good!! We just cant get the Fu**ing Jar open!!!

[Spirit]

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the road when they find an old mirror.

Paddy picks it up, looks in it and says "I recognise that face, but I just can't put a name to it"

Murphy says "Here let me see...........that's me you daft tw*t !"

[chugg]

Why are women like parking spaces?
because the good ones are always taken, so occasionally, you just have to stick it in a disabled one instead.

Ha ha! great one.

Glad you didn't say stick it in mother and child

[KiwiTT]

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.


======= =========================================


During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said, 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

================================================


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

================================================


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


================================================



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?


================================================


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghani bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet, so

I shouted up to him, "What's up, Abdul; won't it start?"

[KiwiTT]

Some days things just never go right!


A small, weedy guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps up beside him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"For chrissake knock it off' says the biker, "I can't stand to see a grown man crying."

"But this is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me."

"Then when I went to the parking lot to go home, I found my car was stolen, and I don't have any insurance."

After that, I was so upset I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

He continues, crying even harder. Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life, and you show up, you miserable bastard, and drink the damn poison....

[KiwiTT]

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

[ANTHONY]

i onces asked a Essex girl what was her favorite wine...she said '' daddy can i have some more money''

[ANTHONY]

robber goes into an back and shouts this is a f#ck up..the bank teller says ''dont you stick up'' no says the robber i'v forgot me gun

[KiwiTT]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest feeling very fed up because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother. He begs her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the Fairy Godmother:
"Wait a minute! My willy's still yellow!"
To this the Fairy Godmother replies: "I don't do willys. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that."
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother. He implores her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me
from a mile off."
She, being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My willy is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy .....just follow the yellow dick toad!"

[KiwiTT]

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely...

[BillHardy]

Yeah KiwiTT,but DID you take your cap of first or leave it on your head ha ha

[chrisvr4]

2 indian junkies snorted curry powder by accident instead of cocaine, both were rushed to hospital, unfortunately ones in a korma, the other got a dodgy tikka.



2 gay indian's living together one die's so his BF makes a curry from his ashes , When asked why he did this he replied "So i could feel him dribble out me arse one last time"

[Patryn999]

A woman walks in to a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives it to her.