Polabear
04-12-2006, 11:11 AM
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed Someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The Mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The Mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identify of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll Him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it Ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", asked the mortician. Yup, I never seed 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
An old man was living alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Sol, who used to help him, was in prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Solly: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa"
A few days later the old man received a letter from his son:
Dear Papa: For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks. Love, Solly."
At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
"Dear Papa: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love,Your son IRVING
The Email Address
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their eighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless
and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire Sadly, I received it also.
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
As the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the >pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The Mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The Mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identify of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll Him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it Ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", asked the mortician. Yup, I never seed 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
An old man was living alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Sol, who used to help him, was in prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Solly: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa"
A few days later the old man received a letter from his son:
Dear Papa: For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks. Love, Solly."
At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
"Dear Papa: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love,Your son IRVING
The Email Address
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their eighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless
and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire Sadly, I received it also.
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
As the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the >pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.