NevGroom
19-01-2007, 12:06 PM
Using foreign words in your sentences is so passe.
Men about to embark on a fight with a stranger will inevitably refer to each other as 'mate' at least 5 times before a punch is landed.
The amount of work you get done in the office is direcly proportional to the amount of people that can see your computer screen.
Every TV and DVD remote control features one button which, when accidentally pushed, brings up an incomprehensible on-screen display which is impossible to get rid of without turning the whole bloody thing off.
When you see the word 'unlimited' in an advert it will always have an asterisk next to it. Rather than waste time searching for the microscopic text that this is directing you to, simply assume that this means 'not really'.
Women are like episodes of Scooby-Doo. There's the odd superficial difference but they're essentially all the same.
Gay men, just because I'm in your club don't assume I am one of you. I am here due to the large numbers of attractive women whose guard is down and who have come here to avoid men like me.
Hetero Men: When dancing, keep your hands at chest height or below - once your hands go above chest height you instantly become homosexual.
Women, listen: I like you, I honestly do. But I don't want to go out drinking with you. You get silly, and don't understand football or music. I'll see you when I get home. Ok?
Women drivers: draw the position of the hand brake and gear stick on a post it note, then stick it to the dash board of your car. It will save you, and the rest of the world, time as you look for them when the lights change.
Girls - if your man asks you to dress up in your old school uniform, DO NOT return ten minutes later in a navy blue elasticated shapeless skirt that comes down to your shins and a baggy cardy; that's NOT what he means.
Mobile phone users- text messages are not charged by the vowel. Undrstnd?
Never let a woman order drinks from a bar. Let her pay by all means, but letting them go to the bar will end up in them forgetting the round, not making eye contact with the staff, taking 30 mins to find her purse in her suitcase-size handbag, chit-chat with other people at the bar and inevitably bring the wrong drinks back.
Women : if invited up to a hotel room to "party" with Mike Tyson and John Leslie it's probably best to just say no.
Gypos whilst claiming to be "travellers" perhaps it may help your case if you actually "travelled" rather than pitching up in agreeable Cotswold villages and building dozens of permanent chalets with all main services.
Putting your hazards on DOES NOT mean you can park anywhere.
It's good to see that with their £19.00 suit, Asda have found a niche court appearance market.
Thyme is not a healer - I tried rubbing some on my paper cut and it made it feel even worse.
Never explain and never apologise. And by that I mean, don't feel you need to justify your actions. I didn't make that clear. Sorry.
It's not officially winter until you've spotted a lone glove on a railing
Men about to embark on a fight with a stranger will inevitably refer to each other as 'mate' at least 5 times before a punch is landed.
The amount of work you get done in the office is direcly proportional to the amount of people that can see your computer screen.
Every TV and DVD remote control features one button which, when accidentally pushed, brings up an incomprehensible on-screen display which is impossible to get rid of without turning the whole bloody thing off.
When you see the word 'unlimited' in an advert it will always have an asterisk next to it. Rather than waste time searching for the microscopic text that this is directing you to, simply assume that this means 'not really'.
Women are like episodes of Scooby-Doo. There's the odd superficial difference but they're essentially all the same.
Gay men, just because I'm in your club don't assume I am one of you. I am here due to the large numbers of attractive women whose guard is down and who have come here to avoid men like me.
Hetero Men: When dancing, keep your hands at chest height or below - once your hands go above chest height you instantly become homosexual.
Women, listen: I like you, I honestly do. But I don't want to go out drinking with you. You get silly, and don't understand football or music. I'll see you when I get home. Ok?
Women drivers: draw the position of the hand brake and gear stick on a post it note, then stick it to the dash board of your car. It will save you, and the rest of the world, time as you look for them when the lights change.
Girls - if your man asks you to dress up in your old school uniform, DO NOT return ten minutes later in a navy blue elasticated shapeless skirt that comes down to your shins and a baggy cardy; that's NOT what he means.
Mobile phone users- text messages are not charged by the vowel. Undrstnd?
Never let a woman order drinks from a bar. Let her pay by all means, but letting them go to the bar will end up in them forgetting the round, not making eye contact with the staff, taking 30 mins to find her purse in her suitcase-size handbag, chit-chat with other people at the bar and inevitably bring the wrong drinks back.
Women : if invited up to a hotel room to "party" with Mike Tyson and John Leslie it's probably best to just say no.
Gypos whilst claiming to be "travellers" perhaps it may help your case if you actually "travelled" rather than pitching up in agreeable Cotswold villages and building dozens of permanent chalets with all main services.
Putting your hazards on DOES NOT mean you can park anywhere.
It's good to see that with their £19.00 suit, Asda have found a niche court appearance market.
Thyme is not a healer - I tried rubbing some on my paper cut and it made it feel even worse.
Never explain and never apologise. And by that I mean, don't feel you need to justify your actions. I didn't make that clear. Sorry.
It's not officially winter until you've spotted a lone glove on a railing