Bar

[BraindG]

Horse walks into a bar, the barman says.. "why the long face?"

[Kieran]

Police recently found an Ice cream man dead in his van, covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.


Police say he topped himself!!!! :laugh:

[enigma]

Toilets at the local police station were stolen today, a police spokesperson said they have nothing to go on!

[Kieran]

The makers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now year 2000 compliant. You can now insert 4 digits into your date where before you could only insert two!!

[landy]

A man walks into the doctors office with a frog stuck to the top of his head. The doctors says 'how did that get there?'. 'I dunno' replied the frog 'I woke up this morning with him stuck to my ass !'

[Kieran]

Police arrested 2 kids. One was eating fireworks, the other was drinking battery acid. They charged one and let the other off! :-D

[enigma]

Michael Jackson is INSERT INTO post VALUES (allegedly) walking along the beach when a woman comes up to him and says

'excuse me you are in my sun'

[Nick VR4]

A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the hard shoulder . He jumps out of the car, opens the boot, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

[Kieran]

I deamt I was eating a 10 pound marshmallow last night. I woke up and the pillow was gone!

[Spirit]

I woke up and the pillow was gone!

...maybe it left on it's own accord, maybe thought you would use it's cover as a polishing cloth ? :d

[SGHOM]

essex girl is involved in a car accident, paramedics arrive, & ask her " where are you bleeding from " and she replies "romford"

[Spirit]

A man walked into a pub....."ouch" he said !

[enigma]

A penguin takes his car in for a service, the mechanic says he will need an hour or so so the peguin wanders off and looks round the local shops. On his way back to the garage the penguin buys and ice cream and dribbles it all round his face, on returning to the garage the mechanic says.........


Looks like you've blown a seal


Boooom tssssschhhhh

[zedy1]

A man walked into a pub....."ouch" he said !
:lolz: best joke so far :-D

[Freddy]

Two men in the shower at the gym. One has a big red rubber bung up his arse. Whats with the bung? asked the man on the left. Man on the right replies..... I was walking along the beach and fell over a mystical bottle. While I was wiping the sand off it a Genie appears and grants me one wish.

I replied No ****! :p

[Kieran]

...Meanwhile, the hunt for the man terrorising nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on....

The Chief inspector had a tip off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty next week:-D

[Nick Mann]

One for the IT guys...

A manager, an engineer and an IT guy were travelling down a hill in a car when the brakes fail. After a bit of pain they come to rest at the bottom of a cliff. The manager says: What we've got to do is form a team to analyse the problem and take preventative action. The engineer says: What we've got to do is pull the thing apart to find out which bit broke first, so we can re-design the part. The IT guy says: What we've got to do is push the car back to the top of the hill, all get back in and see if it happens again!

[landy]

Warning, yet another Micheal Jackson joke ahead...

The police raided Michael Jackson's house for drugs yesterday. They found class A drugs in the kitchen, class B drugs in the living room... and class 5a in the bedroom :D :noshake:

[the_boy]

Peter Kay threads

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"..................INSERT INTO post VALUES (GROAN :drunk: )

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they
are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[the_boy]

Not that I'm hogging the thread :p

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

[SGHOM]

ice cream anyone ?? :-D

[SGHOM]

snowman !!

[SGHOM]

I'll try again.

[Kieran]

Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage.... Adam didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and Eve didn't have to hear about the way Adam's mother cooked!

[Kieran]

Bump! :$

You lot must have some fresh one-liners! Let's have 'em!! :-D

[Dan_G]

there ar 10 types of people in the world. those that understand binary and those that dont.

[Lurch]

damn... this is good.. the people here at work are wondering why I am laughing so much ;)

[Lurch]

The Duck

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig. Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck. So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar. The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?" The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."

[Lurch]

The Pony

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!" "May I please have a drink?" "What? You have to speak up!" "Could I please have a drink?" "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you." "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."



The Seal

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.



Blind Man

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender speaks up and says "Hey what the hell are you doing?" The blind man says, "Just taking a look around.."


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A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."


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This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, "Hey, what's that?" To which the frog replies "I don't know. It started as a wart on my bum and this happened."


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This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."


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A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"


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Three ladies are sitting at a bar. One says "My pussy is so big my husband can stick his fist up it." The second lady says "Mine is so big my husband can stick BOTH fists up it!" The third lady just laughed and slid down the bar stool.


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This fly goes into a bar one day, and orders a drink. The customer next to him looks at him and says to the bartender, "What's with him?" The bartender says, "Oh, he works in the restaurant down the street." The man asks the fly, "What line of work do you do?" The fly sighs, "The waiters always put me in bowls of soup, and it's tough on my health."


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A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."


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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."


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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way." So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."


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A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants." The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"


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Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it?

[Brind]

LOL@ the ice cream maker.

I wonder if the MLR would appreciate the seal joke? :-D

[adam_shaw]

there ar 10 types of people in the world. those that understand binary and those that dont.

Damn that's funny.....PMSL

So, here's my contributution,

Did you hear about the dyslexic... thought he was suffering from Daily sex.

Chicken and an egg sitting up in bed, well the chicken is awfully relaxed - smoking a cigarette. The egg has got the huff and is a bit pissy. Chicken turns to the egg and says 'I guess that answers that one'

And lastly a little quiz, doesn't really worked typed - also chemists humour :rolleyes:

If 'H2SO4' is sulphuric acid, and 'H2O2' is peroxide (bleach), what is 'H204'

Answers on a postcard....

[Lurch]

Bears in Bars
There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar.
He goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a large Gin and ...............................................Ton ic Please?"

The Barman replies "Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his paws and says "I'm a bear!!"

[Big Ian]

a woman goes to her doctor,

woman say's,, :shrug: doc every part of my body is sore when i touch it

doctor say's,, :headsc: show me please?

at this point the woman start's touching her arm,her leg,her head and with every prod she give's a small scream :Cry1:

doctor say's,, :idea: i know what your problem is.

woman say's,, yes? what?

doctor say's,, you have broken your finger......... :uhoh:

[Kieran]

:lolz:

Here's another for you.... :yakyak:

Two guys stumbled into a wall. They were plastered!

Boom-Tish.... I thank you!!! :-D

[wirdy]

Went to see Bernard Manning in York last night....what a hoot!!

One of his gags.....

Guy picks up a girl in a bar. End of the evening she says "why don't we take my car"?
On the way to the car she says "you'll have to excuse me, I've got an itchy pussy"
"Oh, don't worry" he says "all these Japanese cars look the same to me"!! :-D

[Polabear]

Ok two from Da Bear (stolen from No1 Son)

How did the Redneck find his sister in the woods ? "Pretty Good"

Anyone heard the one about Beyonce ? finding out that she was Roy Castles Lovechild, she decided not to take His surname...Boom ....Boom

[nick-f1]

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?









PREGNANT!!!!!!!!! :rolleyes5

[Kieran]

In an effort to save their marriage, A husband buys his blond wife a vibrator...




First time she used it, she broke her teeth!:-D :laugh:


:$:uhoh2: I'll get me coat... :lipsrseal

[Big Ian]

indian boy talking to his father

boy= Father..how did you come up with our name's?

Father= well son! straight after your older sister was born i walked from our TEE-PEE, i looked to the sky to thank the god's...and i saw an eagle flying and that is why she has the name "swooping bird"
then when your older brother was born i walked from our TEE-PEE and i looked in to the river to thank the god's...and i saw a fish fighting against the current of the river and that is why he has the name "river brave"
and when you came in to this world i walked out our TEE-PEE and looked across the feild's to thank the god's...........tell me "2 boar shagging" why do you ask?.....

[nick-f1]

What about these one liners?



1. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


2. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


3. The problem with the human gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.


4. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


5. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

[craig-1]

What about these one liners?



1. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


2. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


3. The problem with the human gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.


4. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


5. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.








a man stops in his car at the side of the road and says to the boy walking his dog "hey there wee man ill give u a sweetie if u come in my car"
theboy replies"gi me the whole packet and ill cum in your mouth" :rolleyes5 :laugh:

[Brind]

Probably a bit crude for some but here's some Billy Connolly quotes.

14 things I hate about people


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

[Brind]

Yesterday scientists discovered beer has female hormones in it. To test their theory right, they gave 12 men 12 beers and each of those men started talking crap and couldn't drive properly.

[craig-1]

Yesterday scientists discovered beer has female hormones in it. To test their theory right, they gave 12 men 12 beers and each of those men started talking crap and couldn't drive properly.



scientists have came up with a new use for lypsil-------it turns gay men straight--------they rub it round there ring and it keeps the "CHAPS"away :laugh: :laugh: :rolleyes5

[Brind]

the anatomy of a shower

How a Woman Showers

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do
more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Complain because your husband had been eating your ginger nut and
jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas


How a Man Showers

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
wiener and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

14. Pee.

15. Rinse off and get out of shower.

16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain
was hanging out of tub the whole time.

17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,
pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on bed.

[Big Ian]

the anatomy of a shower

How a Man Showers

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
wiener and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

14. Pee.

15. Rinse off and get out of shower.

16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain
was hanging out of tub the whole time.

17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,
pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on bed.

Brind.....you'v forgot the bit about cloging up the plug hole!! :scholar:

:lolz:

[Brind]

With hairs or this (http://www.clubvr4.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4557) :laugh:

[Big Ian]

With hairs or this (http://www.clubvr4.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4557) :laugh:

:laugh: you tell us mate?.....then again :lipsrseal ,don't want your mother finding out :$

[Brind]

I can think of much better places to leave it!! ;) :D

My mummy thinks I'm an angel. :laugh:

[nick-f1]

:laugh: you tell us mate?.....then again :lipsrseal ,don't want your mother finding out :$

How does she its the sons and not hubby?