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I-S
20-07-2007, 01:03 PM
Rt Hon David Miliband MP

Secretary of State,

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),

Nobel House

17 Smith Square

London SW1P 3JR



16 May 2007



Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business.
He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.

That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows"
business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Nigel Johnson-Hill

MPBVr4
20-07-2007, 01:23 PM
/haz

Not funny as this is actually going on. Farmers have for years been paid for NOT growing crops. You never see a "poor" farmer driving a tatty Escort.

Physician
20-07-2007, 01:41 PM
Hahaha, excellent Isaac .......... :happy:

amsoil
20-07-2007, 04:51 PM
Personally I don't find it funny but can't blame the farmers who take advantage of the regulations. My poor old farmer was explaining to me that since the rules on trusts have been changed he has had to sell 12 of the 'cottages' on his land, the last 1 went for a mere 2.6 mill which after the government took 40% off and the remainder was split 3 ways between the trustees (one of the other 2 was his wife) left him with a few hundred which was hardly worth doing!!!! (Hundreds of thousands that is and it was one of a dozen!. He still sweats all day and night , no doubt because the air con in the multi million 'Farm House' is set too high for him as he is quite fat. He also finds it much better now that he has a heli pad , to fly upto Scotland for a long weekend of banging pheasants and grouse etc (at (£60 a hit). Clearly the expenses he was suffering made me reach for my cheque book! Not in sympathy but because I felt the rent was going to go up!

Paul Beazer
20-07-2007, 06:58 PM
to fly upto Scotland for a long weekend of banging pheasants and grouse etc (at (£60 a hit).

Don, isnt that illegal?

amsoil
20-07-2007, 08:47 PM
Only if you dont use sellotape or should that be scotch tape! LOL