KiwiTT
19-12-2007, 04:02 AM
Based upon the business pressures we are now experiencing the following concepts will be activated immediately.
The Partridge in the Pear Tree will be replaced with a much cheaper Canary in a plastic tree. The Pear tree has never been as fruitful as was anticipated.
The Two Turtle Doves will be split up and moved to different departments after the now well publicised sexual harassment claims have been settled.
The Three French Hens program will be scrapped. Egg production for the French market was always well outside of our core business. No more products aimed at the Easter market will be handled as research shows that Easter shrinks our market share.
The Four Calling Birds will be replaced with a predictive dialler. Although there is an emotional attachment to the Birds, they have proven to not be nearly as effective as the new dialler. If the dialler does not yield the desired results the telemarketing group may be outsourced offshore.
As to the Five Gold Rings, it has been a well documented and strongly supported directive that all phones must be answered within THREE rings * no more. The five ring policy is far outdated and must cease immediately.
The Six Geese are Laying program will be kept in operation although the geese will be moved to the call centre as supervisors. This decision was made after several agents were overheard talking about how much of a goose their existing Team Leader is.
The Seven Swans are Swimming will all be offered redundancy. The swans were brought on as a part of the 'Office Beautification' effort in the boom time of the late 90s. They are an obvious luxury overhead that will be replaced with a handful of goldfish (please do not feed the goldfish, they are fake).
The Eight Maids Are Milking will move into a job sharing arrangement with the reindeer groomers. Centralising all animal care into one group should allow us to cut staff numbers by at least 6. New technology will help this group deliver the daily elf milk ration direct to each workstation.
In line with the recently released Occupational Health and Safety rules, the Nine Ladies Dancing will have to be redeployed into the call centre as their dancing could cause a nasty tripping accident. This directive will not apply to Santa's private dancer Trixie, she will continue her normal duties.
The Ten Lords a Leaping will be replaced by an email system. Santa has relented and admitted that ten men dressed in silly clothes jumping from desk to desk with messages may not have been the best use of company resources. It should be noted that email is not to be used for broadcasts to the entire North Pole unless pre-approved by Mary Chrissymas.
The Partridge in the Pear Tree will be replaced with a much cheaper Canary in a plastic tree. The Pear tree has never been as fruitful as was anticipated.
The Two Turtle Doves will be split up and moved to different departments after the now well publicised sexual harassment claims have been settled.
The Three French Hens program will be scrapped. Egg production for the French market was always well outside of our core business. No more products aimed at the Easter market will be handled as research shows that Easter shrinks our market share.
The Four Calling Birds will be replaced with a predictive dialler. Although there is an emotional attachment to the Birds, they have proven to not be nearly as effective as the new dialler. If the dialler does not yield the desired results the telemarketing group may be outsourced offshore.
As to the Five Gold Rings, it has been a well documented and strongly supported directive that all phones must be answered within THREE rings * no more. The five ring policy is far outdated and must cease immediately.
The Six Geese are Laying program will be kept in operation although the geese will be moved to the call centre as supervisors. This decision was made after several agents were overheard talking about how much of a goose their existing Team Leader is.
The Seven Swans are Swimming will all be offered redundancy. The swans were brought on as a part of the 'Office Beautification' effort in the boom time of the late 90s. They are an obvious luxury overhead that will be replaced with a handful of goldfish (please do not feed the goldfish, they are fake).
The Eight Maids Are Milking will move into a job sharing arrangement with the reindeer groomers. Centralising all animal care into one group should allow us to cut staff numbers by at least 6. New technology will help this group deliver the daily elf milk ration direct to each workstation.
In line with the recently released Occupational Health and Safety rules, the Nine Ladies Dancing will have to be redeployed into the call centre as their dancing could cause a nasty tripping accident. This directive will not apply to Santa's private dancer Trixie, she will continue her normal duties.
The Ten Lords a Leaping will be replaced by an email system. Santa has relented and admitted that ten men dressed in silly clothes jumping from desk to desk with messages may not have been the best use of company resources. It should be noted that email is not to be used for broadcasts to the entire North Pole unless pre-approved by Mary Chrissymas.