things to think about

[SGHOM]

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative..
> > >
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.
> > >
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
> > >
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
> > >
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
> > >
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
> > >
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
> > >
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
> > >
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.
> > >
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

> > >
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
> > >
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
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14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
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17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
> > >
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
> > >
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

[Brind]

:laugh:

[Kieran]

Excellent! :lolz:

[SGHOM]

Excellent! :lolz:
what ?? the jokes, or the fact I managed to post it without typing it all out ?? :$ :$

[Lurch]

Love it... bring on more things to think about :)

[SGHOM]

Girl's diary
Saturday 6th March 2004
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.

He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bloke's diary
Saturday 6th March 2004.
England lost to Ireland. Gutted. Got a s**g though.

[Japmetal]

1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never been quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You’re never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

9) Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls do the 'deed' is almost impossible to resist.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating an apple.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a piss flushed halfway through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've gotten your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.

37) Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.

38) When you take tissues to bed with you and turn off the lights, the tissues disappears; it becomes a dilemma to turn the light back on or just wipe it (your nose that is) on the sheets!

[Lurch]

Fantastic.. can't get enough of this stuff :)

[Big Ian]

:hurrah: :Cry1: STOP IT MY SIDE'S ARE SPLITTIN,,,,,,, :lolz:

[Lurch]

More, more... more!

[Spirit]

:lolz: great stuff ! :D :D :D

[SGHOM]

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.


2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.


3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.


4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.


5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[SGHOM]

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had ---diahre--- ---dyrea--- ---direathe--- the ****s.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

[Japmetal]

For those with time on their hands, download this quiz & see how many you can get. Open it in Excel, and read the instructions at the top - simple :-b

careful tho; it's addictive !!