the gender trap !!

[SGHOM]

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; For example...
>
>1) Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
>can see right through them.
>
>2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
>warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
>buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
>
>3) Tyres -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
>
>4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
>light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
>
>5) Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
>
>6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
>
>7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
>
>8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
>
>9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
>years, but it's handy to have around.
>
>10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
>consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,and while
>he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Nick Mann]

Are we back on poor jokes again?

If so...........


A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

[Nick Mann]

Also some daft observations on life........


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

[Nick Mann]

One more...

> Conversations that passengers normally don't hear. The following are
> > > accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control
> > > towers from around the world:
> > >
> > > While taxiing at LaGuardia the crew of a US Air flight departing for
> > > Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
> > > 727.
> > >
> > > The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
> > > screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn
> > > right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
> > > there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between
> > > C's and D's, but get it right!"
> > >
> > > Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> > > hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
> > > forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till
> > > I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
> > > half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
> > > tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
> > >
> > > "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
> > >
> > > Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after
> > > the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate
> > > ground controller in her current state.
> > >
> > > Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown
> > > pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
> > >
> > > =================================================
> > >
> > > A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his
> > > approach speed a little high.
> > >
> > > San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
> > > runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway
> > > 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
> > >
> > > ================================================== =
> > >
> > > Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> > >
> > > Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
> > > immediately!"
> > >
> > > Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"
> > >
> > > ================================================== =
> > >
> > > Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> > > 124.7."
> > >
> > > Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
> > > way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
> > > end of the runway."
> > >
> > > Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> > > 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
> > >
> > > Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
> > > yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
> > >
> > > ==================================================
> > >
> > > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
> > > lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location,
> > > but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
> > > with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
> > > exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
> > > call sign "Speedbird 206":
> > >
> > > Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear
> > > of the active runway."
> > >
> > > Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate.."
> > >
> > > The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed
> > > to a stop.
> > >
> > > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
> > >
> > > Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
> > > location now."
> > >
> > > Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never
> > > flown to Frankfurt before?"
> > >
> > > Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type
> > > of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
> > >
> > > ================================================== ===
> > >
> > > O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
> > > Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."!
> > >
> > > United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got
> > > that Fokker in sight."
> > >
> > > ================================================== =
> > >
> > > A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
> > > overheard the following:
> > >
> > > Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> > >
> > > Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
> > >
> > > Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> > > Germany. Why must I speak English?"
> > >
> > > Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
> > > bloody war.