RED
15-07-2004, 12:04 PM
Below is an actual letter sent to a UK Bank. The Bank Manager thought it
> amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored
> to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
> must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my
> account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
> automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
> admit, has only been in place for eight years.
>
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
> also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
I
> caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this
> incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
>
> You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
> relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
> restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures,
> attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
> compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this
> end, please be advised about the following changes:
>
> I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
> and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal,
> ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
> From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
> person.
>
> My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer
> be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
> personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must
> nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act
for
> any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
> Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
> complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
> much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
> alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
> must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
> his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
> be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your
> employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
> regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
> modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account
> balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
the
> playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system,
> which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at
> your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call
me
> at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:
>
> Press buttons as follows:
>
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
>
> 2. To query a missing payment.
>
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>
> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
>
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>
> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
> required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized
> contact.
>
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
>
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
> you on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
> While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
> play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from
> "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a
> guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the
> miners sweated for."
>
> On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
> often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
> cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
> kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of
> advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per
> page. Inquiries from the authorized contact will be billed at £5 per
> minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
> example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be
> passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will
be
> well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
> but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee
to
> cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
>
> May wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year!
>
> Your Humble Client,
>
> (Name Withheld)
>
Couldn't have put it better myself :laugh:
> amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored
> to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
> must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my
> account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
> automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
> admit, has only been in place for eight years.
>
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
> also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
I
> caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this
> incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
>
> You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
> relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
> restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures,
> attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
> compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this
> end, please be advised about the following changes:
>
> I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
> and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal,
> ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
> From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
> person.
>
> My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer
> be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
> personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must
> nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act
for
> any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
> Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
> complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
> much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
> alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
> must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
> his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
> be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your
> employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
> regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
> modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account
> balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
the
> playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system,
> which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at
> your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call
me
> at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:
>
> Press buttons as follows:
>
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
>
> 2. To query a missing payment.
>
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>
> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
>
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>
> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
> required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized
> contact.
>
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
>
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
> you on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
> While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
> play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from
> "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a
> guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the
> miners sweated for."
>
> On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
> often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
> cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
> kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of
> advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per
> page. Inquiries from the authorized contact will be billed at £5 per
> minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
> example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be
> passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will
be
> well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
> but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee
to
> cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
>
> May wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year!
>
> Your Humble Client,
>
> (Name Withheld)
>
Couldn't have put it better myself :laugh: