mesobitchy
26-01-2010, 03:38 PM
Dear employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all
department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under
this plan, older
employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus
permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a programme
to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal
year, via
retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of
Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to
look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review
of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase
of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired
Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an
appeal with
upper management.
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority
Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an
employee may be SLAPPED
once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as
the company deems
appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be
entitled to get:
HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
Early Severance) or
C.L.A.P (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As
H.E.R.P.E.S.
and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who
has received
H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the
company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who
remain on board that
the company will continue its policy of training employees
through our:
Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.). We take pride
in the amount of
S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees
more S.H.I.T.
than any company in this area. If any employee feels they
do not receive
enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate superviser.
Your superviser
is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
S.H.I.T. you can
stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service
with us!
The Management
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all
department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under
this plan, older
employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus
permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a programme
to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal
year, via
retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of
Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to
look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review
of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase
of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired
Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an
appeal with
upper management.
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority
Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an
employee may be SLAPPED
once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as
the company deems
appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be
entitled to get:
HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
Early Severance) or
C.L.A.P (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As
H.E.R.P.E.S.
and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who
has received
H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the
company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who
remain on board that
the company will continue its policy of training employees
through our:
Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.). We take pride
in the amount of
S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees
more S.H.I.T.
than any company in this area. If any employee feels they
do not receive
enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate superviser.
Your superviser
is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
S.H.I.T. you can
stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service
with us!
The Management