psbarham
28-01-2005, 10:22 PM
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
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Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under
his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in
his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you
supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get
married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was
brilliant ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-------------------
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash
key...."
-------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh!t before
-------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do
for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So
he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says
"I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
-----------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled
in by a strong currant.
-----------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
-----------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
-----------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
-----------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying dead on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
One was a salted
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under
his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in
his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you
supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get
married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was
brilliant ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-------------------
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash
key...."
-------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh!t before
-------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do
for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So
he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says
"I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
-----------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
-----------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
-----------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled
in by a strong currant.
-----------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
-----------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
-----------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
-----------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying dead on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.