It Looks Like a HEARSE!!!!

[bernmc]

The Final Chapter…!

<o =""></o>Well, phoned Charlesworths up yesterday – just to check that the car would be ready as promised when I went to collect it that afternoon:

‘Er… we’ve still got a few things to do’ (this had been the story since mid-last week).<o ="">" </o>Argh, fume & spit: ‘Well, what still needs doing?’ /grr

‘Er… just the radio’ (I’d asked them to stick my old Sony in rather than fit a band expander to the japcrap).<o =""></o>

‘Well, if it’s only the radio, leave it – I’ll do it myself. I won’t be able to get off work until next Tuesday again, so I need to fetch the car today.’ :|


<o =""></o>‘Er, ok. When are you coming?’

Needless to say, I was a bit miffed :annoyed: (http://misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=0#). Durn thing was dragging on & on. I left going up to Donnington as late as possible to give them a chance to sort out anything that might not have been mentioned. Set off at about 2:30pm. Unfortunately She Who Must Be Obeyed and I had 3 different meetings arranged for that evening, and she was now grumpy as hell because a) I’d stopped her preparing a lecture, and b) we were cutting things fine and would be rushed like mad for the rest of the day!<o ="">
</o>

[bernmc]

“I thought you said it would only take us half an hour to get there” she said as we inspected the lorry in front’s grubby bumper on the M42 carpark :inquisiti (misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=0#). Gnnnnnn (me biting my tongue).

Knowing that things might take a while once we got there, I leaped out of the car clutching my jar of fully synthetic, and said “Don’t worry about me – you get going so at least only one of us will be late.” Clever little bernmc. (You should sing Jaws intro music now).

Got the bill :o (misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=0#). Some time later, after being picked up from the floor, and given a fortifying drink, I paid it.

Off to the car: Dirty as hell! 3 months sitting alternately in a big auction carpark, then the bowels of a dirty great ship, Liverpewel docks, and finally Charlesworths’ lot had accumulated. But I was still in love :smitten:!

Pressed the button on my shiny new Toad keypad… NOWT! :uhoh:. (do the Jaws thing again now). Opened the door with the key – cue feeble spluttering of the alarm. Dead battery. Cue Man with Booster and all was well – alarm stopped, and car started.

“DON’T switch it off when you fill it up with petrol” says the nice man with a smile on his face.

[bernmc]

Er. ‘Fire risk – switch off engine before refuelling’ – I’m sure I’ve seen signs to that effect…? Er theft risk: my lovely new car sitting idling on the forecourt while I’m off paying… Why oh WHY did I send the Wife home???

Those of you who know Donnington will know that it’s an area of windy roads and tiny villages, and I as I found out NO PIGGIN’ PETROL PUMPS! By this time I was a nervous wreck! I had a needle well below Empty, and a glaring orange light on the dash saying ‘Want drink NOW!’

Must have been on fumes when I finally found a garage selling fuel wrung from gold ingots – well, it must have been, the price they were charging :shocked2:. Kept getting suspicious glances from the bloke next to me as I filled – reckon he thought I was about to do a runner!

Anxious few minutes as I ran inside, willed the doddery old bat at the till to triumph over the electronic complexities of chip & pin, and paid for the juice.

Back on the road again, and things weren’t looking good: ABS light on. Traction control Light on… a flashing orange pic of a skidding car is NOT the most reassuring thing for a new VR4 owner to be looking at! And then… Where the heck is my Turbo Timer?????:|. Emergency stop (rubbish brakes!). Scrabble in glove box, centre console, door pods, boot. No timer. 47-point turn (rubbish turning circle!) Back to Donnington (the wife’s going to cut off my goolies!). “Where’s my timer?” Tick-tock-tick-tock as they hunt for the bloke who did the SVA prep. Eventually found it under the passenger seat (even he’d forgotten he’d put it there). Grrr :|.

Back on the road. Those lights still glaring at me. I was a bit worried that something had been dislodged during the SVA prep – the foglight switch is just next to the TCL switch. Did start to enjoy the car though – a couple of quick blasts of full throttle on the A-roads and I was tentatively grinning.

Went straight to the first meeting after a quick call to The Boss – looking at a unit on an industrial estate for her business interests. Decided that after 60ish miles, it was safe to switch off.

WRONG! Turned the key when we were done… nowt! “Er, we’ll have to go back home in your car and come back with jump leads.” <wife ’s="" response="" and="" subsequent="" commuting="" chatter="" unprintable="">. “And by the way,” she says, “I don’t like it - it looks like a Hearse!” WHAT???????? :shout: Why not just stick a knife in my fragile little heart and twist it a few times woman. All those months of work and anticipation, the wretch! Serious consideration given to calling Marcus and finding out if he’d had enough of Red yet! And all the time my heart in my mouth because I’ve left my baby on some bleak industrial estate….</wife>

[bernmc]

Anyway, went back, jump started and wizzed home. Demonstrated to the wife the most commonly seen aspect of the VR4 - a rapidly disappearing dot on the horizon. Ha!

“mmm… it’s starting to grow on me, :inquisitive:” she says after trundling onto the drive about 5 minutes after me. I was having an obligatory sulk and could not be consoled so easily.

I had about an hour before the evening’s next highlight (Parents meeting for GCSE advice), so spent it scrabbling under the dash and refitting the turbo timer. New battery, and all the warning lights went back to sleep. Phew! Then went around pulling off about a gazillion stickers – some japcrap, some which had obviously been stuck on by people when the thing was sitting at Liverpool docks – ‘Get your SVA done here’ etc. Swines.

Then I tried to get the many coloured scribblings on the windows off. After trying a couple of different compounds, the engine degreaser got most of it off. Except for chassis number scrawled in big white letters across the drivers side of the windscreen. Eventually nicked the wife’s nail polish remover, and that worked :D!

I couldn’t bear to leave the car that filthy, so I shot off to the local garage for a quick scrub. Late for parents meeting. Smelt of degreaser – kept getting glared at by prim lady sitting next to me. Dogbox. Bad Boy /whip.

Didn’t make things any better when I buggered off to the nearest all-night ASDA in search of double-sided tape for the turbo timer which was now competing with the brake pedal for my left foot’s attention.

Back home at last, and exhausted after an eventful day. No time to tell CVR4 the news :sad2: (http://misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=0#).

A new day, and my first trip to work with the new toy. Shell Corley is just up the M6 from me, and on my way, so I pulled in to do the Optimax thing. 94p/litre :o (misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=0#):o (misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=0#):o (misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=0#)!!!!!! FFFing Gordon Brown – why don’t you just bend me over and bugger me senseless mate :veryangry! My interest in LPG is now VERY high!

Anyway, enough blathering. The car is beautiful. It feels as tight as new. Perfectly happy cruising along the M6, and all that power when necessary. I’m doing a trial run for fuel consumption so I can have a good look at LPG, so no boy racer tactics for a week – just a sensible 100miles/day! I’ve paid a fair bit for the thing, but it seems to be worth every penny. It’s a far cry from the rubbish I’ve looked at on the forecourts over here. Seems well-looked after. The oil is slightly brown, but not black, the ATF is full and rosy pink, and the interior is clean. Just the mats that need to go in the bin – ugh! 40800miles, so it's due for a service. Must find a decent dealer nearby...

Pics to follow:

[bernmc]

Some Pics: Please excuse the grumpy expression on the sheepmobile – it’s been in a strop ever since the new baby arrived! Wet & rainy, and my drive is a bog, so sorry for the quality!

[bernmc]

Rear view showing the absence of foglight that seems to offend some of you so much. Charlesworths removed it after SVA and rewired into the standard cluster which is accepted by MOT.

[bernmc]

My shiny stereo. If it wasn’t tuned to Radio 4, you’d be saying L337! Must take a pic of it in the dark when it’s open – glows a gorgeous blue & red!

[bernmc]

Now look at this cunning thing – called an x-cell stoplock, and I’ve only found them in Halfrauds so far. £84, so a bit more than the other weelie things.

Packs away into a snazzy bag.

[bernmc]

All folds up into itself when not in use.

[bernmc]

Half on.

[psbarham]

nice one mate , at least you got it all sorted out , hope you and the hearse :rolleyes4 have a long and happy life together , you'd better get the polish and the camera out next !

[bernmc]

All on!

[bernmc]

Bit embarrassing when I couldn’t get the thing onto that Nardi wheel at work this morning. Spent a while with it this evening and worked it out – a bit fussy as the wheel is pretty close to the maximum size the lock will accommodate. You have to make sure it’s snugly fit into all the right bits. (Oh, and thank goodness I don’t have one of those fake wood wheels!)

[psbarham]

must learn to type faster , you beat me with the piccys , looks a peach mate , although it would look better im miester blue :inquisiti , hope to meet it in the flesh soon . whats happening to the sheep mobile then , is it off to the great sheep feild in the sky for a frollick in the grass ?

[paulmc]

Nice to see you have the same lovely car mats as me :thumbsup:

[bernmc]

must learn to type faster , you beat me with the piccys , looks a peach mate , although it would look better im miester blue :inquisiti , hope to meet it in the flesh soon . whats happening to the sheep mobile then , is it off to the great sheep feild in the sky for a frollick in the grass ?
Dirty looks from the family as spent the whole evening in front of the PC. Dogbox coming again!

Sheepmobile will be fleabayed as soon as I do some decent pics, and get out the bootload of spairs that I have for it. Poor thing - it's been brilliant, and CHEAP!

[Sulli]

Good narration there Bern :thumbsup:
Was cringing at all the potential faults, glad a new battery seems to have sorted most of it.
Brown oil - sounds like it's fairly new, that's good, though do a change anyway - only takes 20 mins.
Check the AYC too - should be red - it's in the right hand side of the boot, in a side compartment - untwist the lid and check the dipstick.
As for Shell at 94p - go to the Shell at Holbrooks, just off the A444, about 3 miles from the Corley one, it's 89p.
Try Oak Tree for a service - they are OK(ish) - should see you right.
Hope to see it soon, and give me a shout if any problems, seem to have found my way round mine now.

[psbarham]

Dirty looks from the family as spent the whole evening in front of the PC. Dogbox coming again!

Sheepmobile will be fleabayed as soon as I do some decent pics, and get out the bootload of spairs that I have for it. Poor thing - it's been brilliant, and CHEAP!
aah the benifits of getting a new car , i had the same problem when i picked mitzy up /grr , trouble is it's still going on :embarasse . as for the sheep mobile , it'll be ok as long as the buyer has some border collies so it can run free with them and round up a few sheep

[bernmc]

Good narration there Bern :thumbsup:
Was cringing at all the potential faults, glad a new battery seems to have sorted most of it.
Brown oil - sounds like it's fairly new, that's good, though do a change anyway - only takes 20 mins.
Check the AYC too - should be red - it's in the right hand side of the boot, in a side compartment - untwist the lid and check the dipstick.
As for Shell at 94p - go to the Shell at Holbrooks, just off the A444, about 3 miles from the Corley one, it's 89p.
Try Oak Tree for a service - they are OK(ish) - should see you right.
Hope to see it soon, and give me a shout if any problems, seem to have found my way round mine now.
Ta. Will have a look at the AYC. Think I'll give Oak Tree a ring and get them to do a proper 40k service with full fluid change.
Will also have a look at holbrooks = 5p/l will make all the differnce with the amount of petrol I get through!

Once I'm sorted, I'll catch up with you, PSB , and Marcus & Red. Yee Haw!

[psbarham]

5p/l will make all the differnce with the amount of petrol I get through!

you could always buy a balaclava and siphon pump and then start sneaking around the neighbours drive when all is quiet :smug: just don't let the :-policema see you

[Lurch]

LOL one of my grandparents called my car that...

[Jimbo]

A great write-up as always, Bern, very entertaining :thumbsup:

Oh I bet you're thrilled to bits now, I'm really pleased for you - wow that's been one long adventure, hasn't it? How long, about 3 months?

[Brunty]

Glad everything is (slowly) coming together for you, it sounds as though you had a worring first couple of days.

Don't worry about what the boss says - I think the car looks great - and if it's any consolation you can drive me to the crematorium when I'm done breathing :skull:

[DaveLee71]

Looks good!
Same colour as mine and also we have the same lovely car mats!
Got mine from Charlesworths and they did the SVA and delivered it to my door too (for free!)!
Not exactly a short trip either.
I usually get told every day by someone or another that it looks like a hearse.
But if Iever lose my job at least I'm halfway to starting my own business, people say it's a dying trade but I don't believe them!!!
Have fun and get a job in the local petrol station, might get staff discount! You'll be on first name terms with them soon!
But hey, we picked the cars so we mustn't grumble.

Dave

[wirdy]

Great write-up Bern! /yes

[bernmc]

A great write-up as always, Bern, very entertaining :thumbsup:

Oh I bet you're thrilled to bits now, I'm really pleased for you - wow that's been one long adventure, hasn't it? How long, about 3 months?
Think I started thinking about a new car in October last year. Saw my first heap of junk in the UK in December... so it's been a long road!

First impressions:
Crap brakes (as has been said many times before!)
Crap std speakers (my sheepmobile had better sound than this thing!)
Std seats offer little lateral support, and poor lumbar support - I have my doubts about long journeys (I'm an old man, you know)

Interior is not nearly as bad as I expected though - seats are much darker than they appeared in photos.
How on earth do you guys manage to go around corners AND look at the AYC bars?????

Great to drive :D:D:D:D I look forward to the commute for the fist time in ages!

The box is good, and I'm sure I'll get used to it in time, but it's not as good as a manual. I'll always feal one step disconnected from the engine. Ah well.

And DAMN does it drink :o!!

[RED]

Cracking story Bern :thumbsup: very entertaining. You'll have to swing by and let us have look /yes

The 1st thing I said to Marcus when he pulled into the drive was "jesus christ it looks like a fookin hearse" :lipsrseal /lol It's definately grown on me though. Oh and I think Marcus had had enough of me even before we got the cars :rolleyes4

Glad you're enjoying it... you must get some more pics up when you have 5 mins. I use BP ulitmate in mine 75% of the time and I find it alot more economical...give it a go. Hope it's fine this weekend so you can get out with the wax..oh and don't forget the engine bay, Kieran will be watching you /yes