Spirit
06-08-2003, 10:44 PM
This had me in tears of laughter by the end - the man's section is so true !
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15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman
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1 Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless
of any stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2 With the toilet brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3 Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4 Line the toilet seat with toilet paper INSERT INTO post VALUES (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5 Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash back.
6 Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over
the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7 Release solids INSERT INTO post VALUES (chocolate hostages); but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8 Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any faeces.
9 Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively
guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin INSERT INTO post VALUES (about 5 or 6 applications per roll).
10 Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11 Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least 30 times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12 Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13 Wash hands at least 3 times with disinfectant soap.
14 Open all windows and spray approximately half a can of air freshener.
15 Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband
and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
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15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man
-------------------------------------
1 Select reading material INSERT INTO post VALUES (can be anything except a porn mag).
2 Tell everyone along the way "Just going for a dump, okay?"
Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3 Pull pants and trousers down around the ankles, then sit down.
4 Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5 Open reading material and relax.
6 Whilst waiting, it is traditional to fart audibly.
7 Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8 Remain sitting and reading until pins and needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9 Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, eg colour, consistency, any visible trace of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10 Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11 Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of ****e on the paper.
12 Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course it will come away by itself. Or when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13 Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floorINSERT INTO post VALUES (you can use it again).
14 Wash your hands once.
15 Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
__________________________________________________ _______
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman
-----------------------------------------
1 Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless
of any stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2 With the toilet brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3 Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4 Line the toilet seat with toilet paper INSERT INTO post VALUES (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5 Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash back.
6 Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over
the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7 Release solids INSERT INTO post VALUES (chocolate hostages); but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8 Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any faeces.
9 Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively
guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin INSERT INTO post VALUES (about 5 or 6 applications per roll).
10 Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11 Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least 30 times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12 Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13 Wash hands at least 3 times with disinfectant soap.
14 Open all windows and spray approximately half a can of air freshener.
15 Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband
and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man
-------------------------------------
1 Select reading material INSERT INTO post VALUES (can be anything except a porn mag).
2 Tell everyone along the way "Just going for a dump, okay?"
Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3 Pull pants and trousers down around the ankles, then sit down.
4 Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5 Open reading material and relax.
6 Whilst waiting, it is traditional to fart audibly.
7 Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8 Remain sitting and reading until pins and needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9 Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, eg colour, consistency, any visible trace of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10 Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11 Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of ****e on the paper.
12 Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course it will come away by itself. Or when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13 Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floorINSERT INTO post VALUES (you can use it again).
14 Wash your hands once.
15 Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.