Bad Joke Thread

[Humpty's Revenge]

A donkey & a chicken are out in a field when the donkey falls down a hole.
The chicken races over & jumps into the farmers BMW, ties a rope to the front & pulls him out.
Next week they`re out in the fields again & the chicken falls down a hole.
He tells the donkey to run & get the BMW but instead the donkey walks over to the hole, drops his cock in & the chicken climbs out.
The moral of the story:-
When you are hung like a donkey you don`t need a BMW to pull a chick!

[Humpty's Revenge]

Man said to his wife I had to show the grey hair on my chest to get my pension.
Wife said you should have shown your cock we could have got disability allowance.

[dave-at-home]

How do you turn a dish washer into a snow plough??? Give her a shovel!

[Humpty's Revenge]

Great news! I have finally found a prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously I can`t afford her but I thought it might be a cheap night out for you!

[Humpty's Revenge]

A simple man was sitting at the bar, chuckling in to his pint of beer.
Eventually the barman was so curious he went & asked what was so funny?
It`s my wife laughed the man.
She`s gone to Spain for a holiday, but she really is so thick.
I watched her pack her suitcase & put 5 packs of condom`s in & she does`nt even have a penis!

[Atik]

The Pope and the Cleric

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Cleric to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Cleric spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Cleric sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Cleric looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Cleric pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Cleric pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Cleric was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only ONE GOD!!! "Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that GOD was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that GOD was also right here with us. "I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that GOD absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. "He beat me at every move and I could not continue!!!"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Cleric how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the Moulana said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.”Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!" "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the Cleric. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine. And then he walked away!"

[ANTHONY]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'



The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'.



The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.


I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.


Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.'



And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?

[kiteman]

Anthony, thats funny.

[Humpty's Revenge]

A French man, English man & a Pakistani get to the top of the Eifel tower.

They find an American throwing money of the top.

They ask him what are you doing?

The American replies, "Well we have loads of money in our country so why not"!

Then the French man throws loads of wine & champagne over the top.

They ask why are you doing that?

He replied "Well we have loads of it in our country so why not"!

The Pakistani looks at the English man & said "DON`T YOU DARE"!!!

[mesobitchy]

Is it to early to make Hatie jokes? or should we let the "dust" settle first?

[WildCards]

Go for it, laughter is the best medicine IMO

[WildCards]

Two castaways are starving on a desert island. Suddenly a native runs up and drops some hard Italian cheese in front of them. He runs away again and they see that he has scampered up a tree and is throwing down even more hard Italian cheese.

'I thought that was a coconut tree?' said one castaway.

The other one looked at the tree thoughtfully and then said, 'No, it's a palm he's on'.

[WildCards]

I have just heard that the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd
President of the United States by naming the gap between the tectonic
plates beneath Haiti after him.

The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault"

[WildCards]

Three couples are on the first night of their respective honeymoon. The guys agree in the bar that they'll signal the number of times they do it by the number of slices of toast they order.

The next morning, they meet up for breakfast.

The first guy says to the waiter "Can I have two slices of toast, please?".

The second guy has a big grin on his face and says "Can I have four slices of toast, please!"

The third guy has an even bigger grin and says "Can I have six slices of toast please!"

"Oh, and make two of them brown".

[WildCards]

One day, a long time ago, in a land far,far away there lived a woman who did not nag, winge or moan... But it was just for one day, and a fking long time ago!

[KiwiTT]

Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Lord (Mandy) Mandelson are sitting in a pub. A bloke walks in and asks the landlord, 'Isn't that Brown and Mandy sitting over there?'

The Landlord says, Yes, that's them.

So the bloke walks over and says, What are you two doing in here, shouldnt you be in London fixing the economy

Brown says, No, We're doing a much more important job, were planning World War III.'

The bloke says, Really? What's going to happen?

Mandy says, Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The bloke exclaimed, A blonde with big tits?


Why kill a blonde with big tits?

Mandy turns to Brown and says, See, I told you, no one will give a **** about the 140 million Muslims.

[WildCards]

Paddy & Mick worked together in St. John's, Newfoundland and were both laid off.

So off they went to the unemployment office together.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs".

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, and gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitter's are skilled labour".

What skill? Yelled Paddy." I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says:

"Yep, diesel fitter .........."

[WildCards]

Just bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands. Well I say bought - actually I pinched it off a fat ginger spastic....

[WildCards]

Three bodies turn up at a mortuary all with smiles on their faces.

Cop asks the Coroner "Why are they all smiling?"

Coroner says "First guy died of heart attack shaggin his wife, hence the smile. Second guy won the lottery, spent it on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning, hence his smile. Third guy was unusual - Paddy from Belfast, struck by lightning!"

Cop asks "Then why was he smiling?"

Coroner replies "Daft twat, thought he was having his photo taken"

[WildCards]

Two nuns riding down a cobbled street. One said " Ooh - I've never come this way before."

The other says "Yes, it's a bit quicker as it avoids the traffic lights down by the high street."