Text Message jokes

[n13l pm]

Just thought it would be a good idea to have a thread of text message jokes. Il start off:

Teacher: "James, why is your cat at school 2day?"
James (crying): "I heard the postman tell mummy 'when the kids go to school i'm going to eat your pussy'

[ianturbo]

A couple driving home one night and run over a badger ,
they get out to find its still breathing but freezing cold ,
he says "put it between you legs to warm it up ",
she says "But its all wet and it stinks !
he says "well hold its nose then !!!!
ian

[SGHOM]

I cannot post mine

[n13l pm]

Richard Branson has been asked to sponser Spurs. He declined saying he couldn't have 'VIRGIN' on the shirts of a team that gets fcuked every week!

[n13l pm]

A Rasta walks in to the bank and hands the cashier a bag full of marijauna.. the cashier says Sir whats this for? The Rasta replies mi cum 2 open a joint account!

[pitslayer]

A couple driving home one night and run over a badger ,
they get out to find its still breathing but freezing cold ,
he says "put it between you legs to warm it up ",
she says "But its all wet and it stinks !
he says "well hold its nose then !!!!
ian

hahaha now that is good

[n13l pm]

Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

[n13l pm]

A female Spurs fan says to Juande Ramos "will you autograph my pussy?" he says "Fu*k off, I've signed enough cu*ts this season"

[Danj]

walking down the street today when i say an afgani man on a fith floor balcony shaking a rug,
I shouthed up "whats up mate wont the f*cker start!"

[ianturbo]

How does a gay man fake an orgasam ?????
He spits on his partners back !!!
ian

[street]

When asked if i preffered legs or breasts i told the stranger that i had a fondness for shaven F*****S, he then informed me that this wasnt an option when choosing the KFC bargain bucket

[valleyforge1]

Girlfriends Daughther came up with this.

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?


An egg.

[valleyforge1]

Man goes to the doctor with a hearing problem. Doctor says "can you describe the symptoms?" The man says "Homer is a bit fat and marge has blue hair".
_________________

[big stan]

bob geldof, ozzy osbourne and gary glitter on a sinking ship. geldof says save the kids. ozzy says f**k the kids and gary glitter says have we got time.

[Dazpostie]

Little Patrick asked for a bike for his Birthbay. His dad said "we'd get you one , but, our mortgage is £80,000 and your Mum has lost her job"
Next day, Patrick walks out with his suitcase packed.
"Where are you going?" asks his Dad.
Patrick replies "I walked passed your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard Mum tell you to wait cos she was coming too.
I'm not staying here on my own with an £80,000 mortgage and no fricken bike!"

[Dazpostie]

A blond gets a job as a teacher.
she notices a boy on the field stood by himself, while all the other boys are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"you ok?"
"yes" he replies
" you can play with the other kids you know"
"It's best i stay here " says the boy
"Why?" askes the blond
The boy says "cos i'm the fu**in goalie!"

[maori_by_nature]

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Lots of lov,
Stevie Wounder

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hori chat up lines..

1. did you fart? cause u blew me away.

2. are your parents related? cause your special.

3. My love for you is like the s**t's. I just cant hold it in.

4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? cos i can c myself in them.

5. Your body reminds me of a spanner... everytime i think of you my nuts tighten up.

6. you might not b the best lookin in here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
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*** Removed by Nick Mann ***

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man stood naked in front of a mirror turns to his wife and says i always get hard when i look at myself wife says thats because you look like a c**t!

[ianturbo]

Altzheimers protest march
"What do we want ?"

"We don't know "

"When do we want it ?"

"Want what "




ian

[ANTHONY]

Altzheimers protes march
"What do we want ?"

"We don't know "

"When do we want it ?"

"Want what "




ian

somebody told me that one years ago .......................i think

[SGHOM]

Jenifer Hudson, has just had to cancel her appearance on family fortunes