Text Message jokes

[Kieran]

Jenifer Hudson, has just had to cancel her appearance on family fortunes

You Sir, will go to hell via the express lane!!

[SGHOM]

When Madonna first moved to england, she said she wanted to be more english. She is now an unmarried mother with 3 kids, one of them black...... job done !

[psbarham]

some twat keeps ringing me and singing prince Charming and stand and deliver down the phone at me, i keep telling him to **** off but he's adamant.

[psbarham]

sorry i havn't been in touch for a while, but i've been in hospital having a large mole removed from my penis.



won't be shagging one of those again

[psbarham]

3 women in a pub start talking about their husbands, first one says i call mine the dentist because no one can drill like he does. 2nd one says i call mine the miner because he's got a big shaft, the 3rd one frowned, i call mine the postman because he cums so early and half the time he sticks it in the wrong box !!!!!

[psbarham]

2 dwarfs pull 2 girls and take them back to their place. unfortunatly the 1st dwarf can't get it up and worse still he hears the 2nd dwarf say all night "here i come again, 1 2 3 ugh!!"
The next morning the 1st dwarf says " how embarrassing i couldn't get an erection" the 2nd dwarf says "thats nothing, i couldn't even get on the ****ing bed"

[diddingtonwizard]

*GOOD NEWS* Call charges on your network are changing.The uglier you are the cheaper the calls. As from today your calls are FREE. I would have called you to let you know but calls cost me a bloody fortune now.

[diddingtonwizard]

Zookeeper says to Paddy 'The Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider s***ing it for £500 ?' Paddy replies 'I will on 3 conditions. 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd My family must never know. 3rd I will need 3 weeks to get the money together !'

[Nevman]

New name of the White House after the change of the USA president?
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Obama's Barrack

[Nevman]

Women all over the USA shaving their fannies today to celebrate OBAMA's election.
Their message to the world:
"READ OUR LIPS:
- NO MORE BUSH!"

[SGHOM]

Just got an advent calendar from woolworths.. All the windows were boarded up & there was feck all inside it.

[SGHOM]

Been chatting to a 14 year old girl on the internet. She is funny, sexy & flirty. Now she tells me she is an undercover cop! how cool is that at her age !

[SGHOM]

It has been announced today that if you have bought a lump of dodgy Irish meat, you can return it for a full refund.
Rafa Benitez has asked Spurs to take Robbie Keane back !

[Fully]

I cannot post mine

Same, they are rude, or racist :/


Here is one I found.

I'm sticking mistletoe in my back pocket, so all those that hate me can kiss my arse!

[SGHOM]

The london metropolitan police are looking for a racist attacker...... I rang them, but apparently it's not a job.

[westy]

happy easter and all the best for 1982.from everybody at the alziemers society..see you next week on bonfire night,dont forget your swim suit

[SGHOM]

It has been announced today that if you have bought a lump of dodgy Irish meat, you can return it for a full refund.
Rafa Benitez has asked Spurs to take Robbie Keane back !

not quite a full refund

[SGHOM]

I get confused with all these social networking site's I've just invited someone to cum on myface

[SGHOM]

As a mark of respect, Fosters have temporarily stopped sales of lager across Australia...... well, you wouldn't want a warm beer would you !

[SGHOM]

Good news !!
Prostitutes have decided to help out during the credit crunch by charging by the inch........ It doesn't help me, but I thought you might like a cheap night out?