Text Message jokes

[SGHOM]

Said to the wife last night, "you're the double of Kate Moss" She said "really !! " I said " yes...... she's 9 stone, your 18 stone you fat c"*t "

[wintertidenz]

I got a new Rolex for my birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch!!!

[davcom1]

I was feeling really depressed last night and decided to call the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Afghanistan. Told them I was suicidal and they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!

[ANTHONY]

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean
Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after

[davcom1]

10 useful insults for women...

1. She's seen more helmets than Hitler
2. Got a f@nny like a badly stuffed kebab
3. A face like a painter's radio
4. Her f@nny's like a hippo's yawn
5. She's been shot over more times than Baghdad
6. Handled more balls than David James
7. Got p!ss flaps like a gutted trout
8. Seen more stiffs than Quincy
9. Been cocked more times than John Wayne's shotgun
10. Even the tide wouldn't take her out

[ANTHONY]

I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "no chance."
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids, so I thought, "F#ck
it. I could win that!"

[Kieran]

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean
Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after

[big stan]

went through the cemetry on my way to work and saw 4 blokes walking round with a coffin. walked back through atdinnertime and they were still walking round with it and i thought theyve lost the f**king plot

[psbarham]

Whats the difference between a cricket ball and a ginger f@nny?

if you try hard, and i mean really f###ing hard, you can eat a cricket ball.

[Throbbe]

A mate of mine got sacked from his job on the dodgems. He's claiming funfair dismissal.

[SGHOM]

Michael Jackson has just anounced the dates for his upcoming UK tour. It's Ryan . .7 & David . .5

[apeman69]

Quick, the cops are on to us!
They're looking for a sexy motherfooker and a retard.
They've already got me down the station so grab your helmet and crayons and run like fook!

[apeman69]

Oi, turn your mobile upside down....



370HSSV 0773H

[White Lightning]

Have you heard about the new support line that they have setup for distressed Man Utd fans?

The number is: 0845 414141

[apeman69]

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives.
The cucumber said "My life sucks. When I get big, fat & juicy they cut me up and chuck me into a salad."
The pickle said "When I get big, fat & juicy they almost drown me in vinegar and leave me to stew in a jar."
The penis said "You think that's bad? When I get big, fat & juicy they pull a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out!"

[SGHOM]

Pregnant Irish girl phones home, " mam, oi tink me waters hav broke". . . Oh me holy jaysus. where are ya ringing from" . . " I'm ringing from me minge to me fockin' ankles"

[apeman69]

Two priests are in the shower one night and they realise there's no soap.
Naked Father John goes to his room to get some. He grabs 2 bars of soap and, 1 in each hand, heads back to the showers.
Half way down the hall 3 nuns head his way. Father John pretends to be a statue.
The nuns can't believe how life-like he looks and the 1st nun pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh, it's a soap dispenser!" squeels the 1st nun.
The 2nd nun does the same and he drops the 2nd bar of soap.
The 3rd nun has a go but no soap. She keeps tuggin'... "Sweet Jesus" she shouts, "Hand lotion too!"

[apeman69]

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA

Lesbian beds

Self assembly but there's no screwing required. It's all tongue and groove.

[psbarham]

why is a 69 better than a family re-union?

with a 69 you only have to kiss one tw@t

[psbarham]

sorry i havn't been in touch for a while, i've been in hospital having a large mole removed from my penis.



won't be shaggin one of those again!!